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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:43:33 GMT
10-13-2006, 04:16 AM
this cold i have is keeping me awake...so i will write what my mind sees...there is a cold wind coming out of the north...with it the first snows of the year...this is what my eyes see...now lets see what my mind sees
closing my eyes i see a small log cabin...i remember building this with a friend...we trapped the land that winter...it was another turning point in my life...i learned to respect the land and all its creatures...the snow was falling heavy this day...and the traps needed checked on...my friend feeling under the weather asked if i would check them on my own...of course i told him i would...taking a small lunch in my pack i set out on my own in snowshoes...the temperature was about -20c...for that time of year it was actually pleasant it was mid-december...two weeks before Christmas and the first drop off of the furs...we had planned on remaining on the line until the 22nd of december...spending the holiday with family and then returning to the cabin on the 27th...as i set out the snow and wind picked up..it was getting harder and harder to see...soon the snow was falling so hard my footprints were being filled in...i found a cedar swamp and decided to wait it out a bit to see if the snow would let up(to be continued)
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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:44:04 GMT
10-13-2006, 05:18 AM
huddled in amongst the cedars...i am out of the wind...i feel i have been walking for hours...i look at my pocket watch and see that i have been on the trail only an hour...i normally walk 3mph so with all this new snow and in snowshoes i estimate i am about 1 1/2 miles from the cabin...meaning i have another 12 1/2 miles left to walk to make the complete circle and get all the traps checked and reset...i need to see the landmarks that i use to be able to make the trek safely...i consider turning back...but a promise was made to my friend that i would get the job done...i leave the comfort of the cedars and make my way to the first trap...covered in snow i find the trap empty and unchanged..so i leave and head down the trail to look for the second one...the snow is getting heavier and deeper with every few feet i travel...walking through an old cut there is very little shelter from the weather...even with the snowshoes i am sinking to my knees...my legs are begining to burn as the lactic acid builds up...i begin to realize that i need to find shelter and quickly...i am never going to get this job done in this weather...my need to survive kicks in...i make it across the open field and into the dense forest...i remove one of the snow shoes and use it as a shovel to dig a fire pit...i break off some dry twigs from an old spruce tree and peel off some birch bark as fire starter...i knock off the snow from an over hanging balsam branch so it doesn't melt and put out my fire....gathering enough dry wood for a few hours i sit back and watch the fire as it warms me...with the snow and wind not letting up i knew i was in trouble when the light of day began to fade...it was either bunker down for the night or attempt to make my way blindly back to the cabin...my instincts took over and i settled in for a long cold night..i knew if my friend was worried enough he would attempt to find me..so i arose and tied some trail tape to a tree at the edge of the clearing where i was hunkered down...i began to pray that my friend would know that what he had taught me had sunk into my skull and he would stay put in the warm cabin...knowing that i would do my best to survive the night in the storm...i ate a small portion of the lunch i had packed ..saving enough for breakfast the next morning...i took the tea pail from my pack and filled it with snow..adding more as it began to melt from the fire..soon i had a hot pot of tea...this seemed to comfort me and i became relaxed enough to realize that if i didn't panic i would be fine...i gathered more wood...some dry and some green...this would keep the fire going longer and create a smoke for anyone looking for me...i took out a small tarp from my survival pack and made a leantoo with it...this allowed the heat from the fire to circulate around me...i was begining to actually enjoy being out there by myself...i was comfortable and had hot tea...some time during the night i drifted off to sleep...this is when it happened...i dreamt that i was back in the days of old...there was a native village where women and children and the men of the camp went about their daily routines...i heard the chants of their songs as they sang...then i seen my friends face...he looked worried and i told him i was alright and to stay put..i know it was only a dream...as the fire died down i awoke to the coldness...i put more wood on and warmed up quickly...i looked at my pocket watch and the time was 4am...the snow had stopped and the wind had died...i looked skyward and seen the most stars that i had ever seen at one time..it was so beautiful..words cannot describe their beauty...i was at peace with myself knowing that i had done everything right..i boiled some more tea and waited for the sun to lighten the sky....when daylight came a put on the snowshoes and put out the fire...i ate the rest of my food and made my way out to the clearing...i removed the trail tape from the tree and headed back to camp...upon arriving at the cabin i removed my snowshoes and went inside...my friend hugged me and gave me a warm cup of coffee...as we sat talking of what had happened he apologized for sending me on my own...i told him that it was not his doing and that i was being taught something...i told him of my dream...he said he had the exact same dream when he was going to look for me..i asked him if you were going to look for me then how was it a dream to you...this is when he told me that dreams come in many forms..you can have them when wide awake...he heard me tell him that i was okay and to stay put...this is when i told him of this gift i have been given and had it since early childhood...my grand father used to help me understand them but when he passed away there was no one i could turn to...i told him of how angry i had become and how i tried to avoid them by becoming someone that i didn't like very much...but that i had entered a program to get clean...then he told me his story and about his demons that he battled...he understood where i had been and where i wanted to be...with his guidence i began to accept the things i see and not run from them...we made it back to our families for the holiday and we did return to finish that winter in that small cabin and on the trap line...it was a special time of growing for me...he taught me much of what it means to be native...although my skin maybe white..i have the gifts from the Grandfathers...he calls me his white indian child...my friend is now in his late sixties and is blind from diabetes...however his sight for the things unseen by many is 20/20...he still helps me to grow in the old ways
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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:44:29 GMT
10-19-2006, 04:32 AM
tonight as i try to slow down my mind i am reminded of the time on the trap line when things were going well...the day time temperature broke above -30 c....the sun was almost warm...the suns rays reflected off the pure white snow giving the snow a blue tint...the pines trees were blanketed with snow..the sky was i very light pastel blue...without a single cloud...the scenery looked like a picture you would see on a puzzle...my friend and i started the day as usual...i warm fire and a hot breakfast with a pot of strong coffee...
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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:44:57 GMT
10-20-2006, 05:41 AM
after we ate and the place cleaned up we headed out into the day...the snow had stiffened up overnight and it made for easy snowshoeing...the crunch of the snow as we ventured along told me that it had gotten quite cold during the night...there was fresh moose tracks down the middle of the trail...my friend decided that if we were going to spen the whole winter out here then meat was a necessity...we began to follow the tracks where they led...after an hour of tracking this moose my friend knew exactlty where it ws headed...he told me to continue to follow the tracks while he would circle around and get ahead of the moose...it was a gorgeous day to be out amongst nature...as i walked i thought about my life up to this point and all the mistakes i had made and all the people i hurt...i began to feel a calm come over me as i took inventory of my life...i thought of my parents and what i had put them through...i heard a shot ring out and echo through the hills...i knew my friend had had been provided the winter's meat...you see i believe that animals give their life so that we as humans can live...and there is a great deal of respect for them....i caught up to my friend and we began to prepare the meat for travel back to the camp...it was going to take many trips and it was getting late into the day...the sun was already starting its journey to where it sleeps...my friend had decided that it was a good idea to stay out here with the moose for the night so that we could keep it from the other predators...there where many wolves around and the ravens would take what the wolves didn't...so we made camp and settled in for another cold night on the trail...this time i was not alone and felt this would be a good time...
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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:45:15 GMT
10-21-2006, 03:13 PM
tonight as i try to slow down my mind i am reminded of the time on the trap line when things were going well...the day time temperature broke above -30 c....the sun was almost warm...the suns rays reflected off the pure white snow giving the snow a blue tint...the pines trees were blanketed with snow..the sky was i very light pastel blue...without a single cloud...the scenery looked like a picture you would see on a puzzle...my friend and i started the day as usual...a warm fire and a hot breakfast with a pot of strong coffee...
after we ate and the place cleaned up we headed out into the day...the snow had stiffened up overnight and it made for easy snowshoeing...the crunch of the snow as we ventured along told me that it had gotten quite cold during the night...there was fresh moose tracks down the middle of the trail...my friend decided that if we were going to spen the whole winter out here then meat was a necessity...we began to follow the tracks where they led...after an hour of tracking this moose my friend knew exactlty where it ws headed...he told me to continue to follow the tracks while he would circle around and get ahead of the moose...it was a gorgeous day to be out amongst nature...as i walked i thought about my life up to this point and all the mistakes i had made and all the people i hurt...i began to feel a calm come over me as i took inventory of my life...i thought of my parents and what i had put them through...i heard a shot ring out and echo through the hills...i knew my friend had had been provided the winter's meat...you see i believe that animals give their life so that we as humans can live...and there is a great deal of respect for them....i caught up to my friend and we began to prepare the meat for travel back to the camp...it was going to take many trips and it was getting late into the day...the sun was already starting its journey to where it sleeps...my friend had decided that it was a good idea to stay out here with the moose for the night so that we could keep it from the other predators...there where many wolves around and the ravens would take what the wolves didn't...so we made camp and settled in for another cold night on the trail...this time i was not alone and felt this would be a good time....well i was once again amazed at the power of nature....well into the night the temperature dropped to -50c with a strong north wind...the wind cut through us like a hot knife through butter...no matter we tried to get warm it just wasn't going to happen...this is when i did something i never thought i would have....my friend told me that we would have to stay warm if we were going to survive the night...that is when he said that we must crawl into the body cavity of the moose...we turned the moose so that the opening was facing south...i was astounded by the warmth that this animal still had...we both crawled inside..him first then me...the high winds had been blowing the snow all around us and soon we were in a cave like environment...our body heat and the heat from the moose had made it quiet comfortable...although i never slept that night i had learned another valuable lesson on how my environment can change so fast...and i can apply this lesson in my life now as things i have no control over can come crashing down on me and cause me anxiety....when things like this happen i think back to all the trials and lessons i was taught that winter...the storms of life will come and will pass and i will survive them.
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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:45:31 GMT
10-22-2006, 05:15 AM
another day is coming to a close...i close my eyes briefly to slow down the pictures in my head...as my mind begins to slow i am reminded that time spent with friends and family is very important to me...as the pictures slow to a point where i can see one clearly i see a star filled sky...there is a large field surronded by tall pines and hardwoods...i hear an owl off in the distance...i am laying in this field watching the sky when i see a figure appear walking slowly towards me...without raising my head...my eyes follow this figure...a thought runs through my mind as to who or what is this figure...as it gets closer i see it is a figure i have seen many times as i sleep...she looks like an angel but no wings i see...her face shines yet i see no halo...she comes and lays down beside me and comforts me...her soft touch on my skin soothes my soul as she softly strokes my brow..she sings a song that i cant translate...such a magnificent tone to her vocal range...as we lay there in the open field she waves her hands over my eyes and they close...beckoning me into the other realm where my mind rests...at least for the moment
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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:45:47 GMT
10-28-2006, 06:57 AM
tonight as i try to slow my mind down...i am reminded how important true friends are....you see i had a visit on tuesday from a friend who out of the blue showed up at my door....i have known him since we were 14 years old...when i lived in the place i was born...he asked if i could help him on a job site here in the north...i told him that he wouldn't have to ask twice...i would be more than happy too...this took me away from my home for a couple of days...and there was a reason he showed up....i needed to get away and find my inner peace...being with a friend who knew and understood me really helped...it was like we had just seen one another a week ago...and that the years were never really gone...we laughed we cried we got caught up in no time at all...so tonight i thank God as i understand Him for once more looking after me and helping me control my demons.
as i briefly close my eyes to catch a glimpse of my minds eye...i see a sky as it begins anew...the sun slowly appears from its' place of sleep....the sky begins to awaken to this new dawning of life...the dark blue starts to turn a grey...under the grey...there is a soft orange and yellow...slowly turning an internal alarm clock on for the animals of the forest...the first to awaken is the raven...his cawing then wakens the other fowl of the air...this gets the animals that are on the ground to awaken with their chatter....there is a heavy frost on the trees...and as the sun gets higher into the sky...the frost starts to melt from the trees...this causes the trees to appear to be crying...the fine water droplets hit the ground feeding the plants and grasses of the forest floor a drink of fresh water...seeing this i realize that without water there is no growth..no food for the other wildlife to eat...my conclusion is that without the shedding of my tears...i would never grow as a person...i would never be able to feed others the knowledge that i have gained through my experiences...i would never learn anything from the lessons taught to me...i would be dead inside even though my heart beats and my lungs breath ...i would never really be alive...so i guess what i am saying ..is i thank God for my tears
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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:46:04 GMT
10-30-2006, 09:26 AM
tonight as i close my eyes to catch a glimpse of the pictures running through my mind...i see a lot of hurt...there are many with broken hearts and broken spirits...perhaps this is why i cant slow my mind down to rest...i see many people walking around faceless...passing by me as if it is i who does not exist...i feel their pain as if it is my own...i am holding a single red rose...the people all look the same as if i am dreaming...i am somewhere in a huge concrete city...the buildings blocking out the sun...the pavement and concrete hide the trees and grass...there is no place for the children to play...no place for the fowl of the air to nest...no creatures of the ground to find refuge...there is an old man begging for money so that he may eat...i venture over to him and reach into my pocket for some change...my pockets are empty....i give him my rose...he takes my rose and sells it for food...the picture begins to change into color from black and white...the pavement and concrete change to grass and flowers..the buildings sink into the grass and large trees grow up and seem to reach the heavens...the sun appears more brightly than i have ever seen it...the children are playing and the people are smiling...the fowl of the air announce their arrival to this new found paradise...the creatures of the ground scurry to gather their winters food cache...all seems so connected to the other somehow...my mind slows and rests...searching for that realm of peaceful sleep yet can't find it..oh well this is one of those nights
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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:46:21 GMT
11-01-2006, 01:01 AM
another night is about to come to a close...will my mind slow and give my body the rest it seems to be demanding...or will it be another sleepless night...closing my eyes and looking in..i see a mountain stream rushing over rocks...the sound of the flowing water is like thunder...i see a cabin on a hillside...i feel a warm breeze on my face...my hair blowing in my face makes it hard to keep it out of my eyes...i see an eagle soaring on the air currents as if painted there in the pale blue sky...the white clouds look like different shaped cotton balls...the grass is as green as green gets..almost a tint of blue...the tall pines seem to be reaching to heaven..i feel so small in this world that i see...i see a figure walking towards me...i can see it is a beautiful women...she is dressed in a deer hide dress...the bead work looks as if it took many days of hard work...her eyes are dark and her long hair is almost blue...her skin is tanned and glowing...she looks into my eyes without a word...she waves her hands in front of my eyes and they close...she whispers to me something that i cant translate...my mind slows and rests...at least for the moment
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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:46:36 GMT
11-04-2006, 04:30 AM
these are the lyrics to a song i hold close to my heart...i dont know who wrote it but it is done by blue rodeo
My Dark Angel
I met this girl She was walking through one of my dreams She kissed my eyes And everything that she said Made so much sense to me That I still feel like I'm half asleep
My dark angel She gave me diamonds for eyes She walked by Now I'm hypnotized By this dream That just won't stop And I feel Like I've always been lost in this dream
The rumors of heaven Only speak the truth on earth My dark angel Shine your light on my curse You are the other that I have to find Until I do I guess I'll see you 'round my mind
So Colorado Is a place I have to go I heard a rumor She loves the mountains and the snow My dark angel She gave me diamonds for eyes My dark angel I offer you my heart My dark angel I think I loved you from the start
'Cause there's this face that I know That I've never seen Sometimes I feel I'm livin' in Someone else's dream Still I thank you For stopping to talk And I wonder Just into who's dream did who walk
Oh my dark angel Shine your light on me Shine your light Shine your light Shine your light on me
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Post by roadkill on Jan 18, 2017 20:47:00 GMT
11-04-2006, 06:34 AM
tonight as i close my eyes...i see so clearly...a star to the south...the brightest in the sky...looking up at it i see a southern belle...her hair is golden like the fields in the praries...her skin as soft as an angels touch...her eyes hazel and shine like the glitter of the sun on fresh fallen snow...her soul is pure as a mountain stream...her heart as honest as a babies laugh...her touch as comforting as the sun rising over the ocean...her love is unconditional and can melt the snow caps in the artic...she puts me in a Lone Star State of mind
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:20:19 GMT
11-06-2006, 07:13 AM tonight as i prepare my mind for bed...i am reminded of a poem i read...not sure where...not sure when...but i know what it is to have a true friend
If I could take a minute To help you understand I am a better person Because you are my friend. And it really doesn't matter If we're together or apart For I swept you up into my hands And placed you in my heart. And if at any moment You ever start to doubt There's a special bond between us That I can't live without. You truly are the answers To many of my prayers When I told God I needed Someone who really cares. Someone to stand beside me To help comfort and to cope To remind me that there's always Some room for one to hope. You've helped me through some things That no one could help me through I never knew what friendship was Until I first met you. And if I had one simple wish It would surely be That God would keep you in my life Throughout all eternity. And now I hope you realize Just how much you mean to me You are the definition Of what a real, true friend should be.
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:20:37 GMT
11-07-2006, 09:13 AM
tonight as i slow my mind and try to rest...i see a sunrise in the east....as it appears above the majestic mountain before me i am reminded that what ever trial or affliction that i may be experiencing...the world will continue to revolve on it's axis...the sun will rise...the moon will shine..the rains will come and a rainbow will show itself...people will go about their daily rituals and all of nature will commence it's routines....the wind will blow and the trees will bend the clouds once white will turn to gray ...only to return to white....the flowers will die and again bloom in spring...the leaves will fall and return after the winter snows...this is the Creator's great plan
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:20:53 GMT
11-09-2006, 06:29 AM
tonight rather than trying to slow my mind down i am recollecting a year gone by....i just had another birthday...as i get older and hopefully wiser...i look back on a year filled with joy...love and huge heartache...it was a decent year at the shop....i made some new true friends..i met many aquaintances...i met some that tried to make me feel bad about myself...which would never happen...i love who i am...i may not be the smartest or the most refined..but i am me..i dont try to be something i am not...what you see is what you get...honest...loving towards others...not afraid to show emotion...a huge warm heart...i lost some very important people in my life due to their passing....and some because of misunderstandings...words used that had other meanings for what i was using them as...i believe everyone that has crossed my path or has walked it with me was there for a reason...to teach me...to show me the way...some are still walking with me and some only crossed as they continued their own journey...but each and everyone has had a purpose in my life and made their own impact on me...i was shown how much a daughter's love for her dad can bring the two closer than ever thought possible...last week was a very demanding one as i was shown once more that my angel was watching over me...those that know will understand...tomorrow i start a new year of my life...a fresh start...a clean slate...i can only pray that it will be has wonderful as the last one was...sweet dreams to all as i head into that other realm known as sleep where my mind will rest...at least for the moment
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:21:07 GMT
11-10-2006, 08:52 AM
tonight as i close my eyes to slow my mind... i see the pictures racing by...as i take some deep breaths and exhale slowly...the pictures begin to slow....i see a window...through that window i see the snow falling...silently it floats to the ground...giving a new face to my world...blanketed in virgin white..the world looks as new as a new born baby...i hear the wolves in the distance...walking toward them i see them playing in the snow like puppies...like school children at recess playing a game of tag you're it...i see the evergreens being wrapped in white as if to keep them warm...i see the dead leaves on the ground being covered to provide a warm home for those creatures that live under them...i see a mother bear leading her young cubs into her den to prepare for her winter's long sleep known as hibernation...i see each flake of snow drifting earthward as individual pieces of a quilt being made by the angels...i hear the songs being sung by the angels...like a lullaby...soft and soothing to my soul...my eyes getting heavy i begin to drift into that realm where my mind will rest...at least for the moment
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