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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:21:35 GMT
11-14-2006, 06:54 AM
as i close my eyes and try to slow down my mind...i see a a fresh blanket of snow laid out acraoss the open field...outlined with tall pines and spuces...the night sky is filled wth stars that seem to twinkle a melody...i see a camp fire burning in the center of this field...as i ventiure over to it i am invited to sit and warm myself...by an elderly gentleman...the wrinkles on his face tell of an era when times where harsh...yet he has survived those years...his hands calloused from many hours of hard work...i am handed some pemmican to ease my hunger...a cup of hot tea to quench my thirst...he begins to tell of a time when the buffalo roamed freely and abundantly...the songs soared on the eagles wings...the water was fresh cold and clean...the trees stood tall and stong...the airs were without blemish...the four legged walked in harmony with the two legged..he told me that those times were the best of times and that they will return one day...as i took a bite of the pemmican and sipped the hot tea..i looked over the rim of the mug...he was gone..i was left to warm my body and take in his words...my eyes getting heavy they close..my mind rests ..at least for the moment
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:21:50 GMT
15-2006, 11:15 AM
tonight as i was about to slow down my mind and paint the picture...i see that tonight there wont be a picture...but thoughts that are playing and echoing in my mind...one thought that has been there for awhile now is why do people feel a need to lie to me..i am no one special..i am not one that you need to try to impress...i ask for nothing from anyone other than an ear to listen to me when i hurt or when i have some good news to share...i have feelings just like anyone else..i have a heart that is capable of accepting you as you are...no strings come with it...just be honest and upfront with me...i dont need my ego boosted by fancy words that are empty...my ego is just fine thank you...neither will i allow anyone to run me down...i am who i am..nothing more nothing less..i wont change this person i fought too damn hard to become...those that i have shared with will know what this means...they know the battles and i have won the war...so if you feel you must lie to me...let it be known that the truth gets shown to me over time...if you think you want to be my friend..think good and hard..because being honest isn't easy..and i demand it from all my friends...if you are just an aquaintance then this does not concern you at all..aquaintances come and go with the sunrise to my friends love and warm hugs
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:22:00 GMT
11-18-2006, 01:52 PM
today i see a sun rising out of the depths of the ocean...it appears out of nowhere it seems...as if being pulled up by a string...the colors in the sky explode into a new dawn...the creatures of the air fly from their night time roosts...as i stand in awe of the the magnificient shades and hues of reds oranges peaches yellows golds blues...a lone cloud drifts past causing my shadow to extend behind me then disappear only to reappear a few moments later...as i watch the artist paint his picture for me to enjoy...my eyes fill with tears...the salty water streams down my face dripping off my chin...hitting the water of the ocean and drifting out to sea...carried away by the tides...my heart cracks then breaks...will my tears find their way to the heart of someone who shares my pain or will they just continue on their own until the stars fall from the sky...the moon fails to shine...the world stands still...when all of God's creation no longer exists...i once thought that i had a heart strong and large..i realize now that my heart is not unbreakable...perhaps this time there will be no healing...only God has the answer to my questions...why
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:22:13 GMT
11-22-2006, 03:29 PM
well my mind came to a sudden stop yesterday...my plate has been getting full for awhile now...and yesterday it became full....with so much to bear on my shoulders i had to make a decision...to continue carrig all the weight orshed some of it...i fell asleep yesterday afternoon..i awoke at 4 something this morning...the answer appeared to me in my dreams as they always do...this is how i get the answers i am seeking...with the answers revealed it is in my best interest to shed the weight...after all it wont matter in the end...the end will remain the same....true friends will stand beside me thru thick and thin..they will help me up when i stumble and fall...they will share in the joys and give comfort in the tears...they will reach out with a hand to pull me through the sad times...they will smile with me in the glad times...here's to true friends each and everyone of you
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:22:27 GMT
12-10-2006, 07:53 AM
tonight we had a break in the snow falling from the sky....as i was shovelling the drive...i noticed that the sun had appeared...i stopped shovelling and since it was early evening i began to watch the sun slowly desending in the sky...as it was reaching it's place of rest i began to think about a lot of things..the people that i have met throughout my life...some faces that i remember bring me nightmares from a time when i was living one...others remind me that love is such a strong emotion and can not be controlled...and still others..bring me such joy and pain at the same time...i thought of friends that have passed this past year and all the love that they showed me and the emptiness i still have in my heart missing them...i thought of the new friends i made and the ones who were only aquaintences...either way they have left their marks on my heart...i thought of all those that i was given the chance to help with my own life's experiences...i sat and watched as the sun slowly disappeared...i thought how preciuos life is and that with the wrong choices...can disappear a lot quicker than the sun did tonight i thought back to a friend who by his choices had his life end at a young age...you can read his story on this board...i began to think of Sam and Rick..i felt their presence as they both put a hand on my shoulder and told me everything is alright...it gave me such a calm and a great peace came over me...i then realized that i had been standing there watching God's grace in action once more..the snow is just gonna have to wait...i got more important things to do and the snow will still be there tomorrow...and if i am not i know that i am a gift from God as i understand Him...and the love that i have shown will carry on in the hearts that i have touched
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:22:38 GMT
12-22-2006, 01:49 PM
this will be the last addition for awhile...some of you know and for those that don't it doesn't matter...as i try to slow my mind i find it easier tonight to slow the pics..writting about them will be hard...forgive the spelling and the words that dont make sense...as i close my eyes i see a life that is full..full of love and joy...fear and the unexplained..i see a tree filled hill covered in fresh snow...as i walk i feel led..as if i am meant to travel this hill..but this time i am not alone..there is someone very special and has my heart that is travelling with me..sshe will be my strong hold in my storm...she brings me calm and peace to my troubled soul...she soothes me hurts..she holds me and allows me to be who i am...i feel her as i rest..softly brushing the hair from my face..stroking the pain from my head she sings softly in such an angelic voice...the notes softly dancing in my ears...she encourages me to want to be my very best that i can be....she has become the love of my life...as i rest from the climmb i hear the drums and songs of the old ones...i see the hawk flying high in the bright cloudless sky...with her she carries my dreams on her wings..there is a couple of otters playing on the frozen pond below...the sun is slowly setting in the sky now..and we make camp and build a fire for cooking and warmth..she takes my hands and softly places her lips to them..whispers to me that all is right in our world..my eyes close and my mind rests...knowing that i am loved
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:22:50 GMT
01-06-2007, 10:02 PM
One day a while back, a man, his heart heavy with grief, was walking in the woods. As he thought about his life this day, he knew many things were not right. He thought about those who had lied about him back when he had a job.
His thoughts turned to those who had stolen his things and cheated him.
He remembered family that had passed on. His mind turned to the illness he had that no one could cure. His very soul was filled with anger, resentment and frustration.
Standing there this day, searching for answers he could not find, knowing all else had failed him, he knelt at the base of an old oak tree to seek the one he knew would always be there. And with tears in his eyes, he prayed:
"Lord You have done wonderful things for me in this life. You have told me to do many things for you, and I happily obeyed. Today, you have told me to forgive. I am sad, Lord, because I cannot. don't know how.
It is not fair Lord. I didn't deserve these wrongs that were done against me and I shouldn't have to forgive. As perfect as your way is Lord, this one thing I cannot do, for I don't know how to forgive. My anger is so deep Lord, I fear I may not hear you, but I pray that you teach me to do this one thing I cannot do - Teach me To Forgive."
As he knelt there in the quiet shade of that old oak tree, he felt something fall onto his shoulder. He opened his eyes. Out of the corner of one eye, he saw something red on his shirt.
He could not turn to see what it was because where the oak tree had been was a large square piece of wood in the ground. He raised his head and saw two feet held to the wood with a large spike through them.
He raised his head more, and tears came to his eyes as he saw Jesus hanging on a cross. He saw spikes in His hands, a gash in His side, a torn and battered body, deep thorns sunk into His head. Finally he saw the suffering and pain on His precious face. As their eyes met, the man's tears turned to sobbing, and Jesus began to speak.
"Have you ever told a lie?" He asked?
The man answered - "yes, Lord."
"Have you ever been given too much change and kept it?"
The man answered - " yes. Lord." And the man sobbed more and more.
"Have you ever taken something from work that wasn't yours?" Jesus asked?
And the man answered - "yes, Lord."
"Have you ever sworn, using my Father's name in vain? "
The man, crying now, answered - "yes, Lord."
As Jesus asked many more times, "Have you ever"? The man's crying became uncontrollable, for he could only answer - "yes, Lord."
Then Jesus turned His head from one side to the other, and the man felt something fall on his other shoulder. He looked and saw that it was the blood of Jesus. When he looked back up, his eyes met those of Jesus, and there was a look of love the man had never seen or known before.
Jesus said, "I didn't deserve this either, but I forgive you."
It may be hard to see how you're going to get through something, but when you look back in life, you realize how true this statement is.
Read the following first line slowly and let it sink in.
If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
Lord I love You and I need You, come into my heart, today. For without You I can do nothing.
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:23:02 GMT
01-17-2007, 08:28 AM
well it's another sleepless night..i am so tired yet cant close my eyes...the pain is sometimes bearable...even with the meds i cant sleep...i feel like i am in a two way battle with myself..a type of seperation of body and spirit..i know this will pass i just hope it is sooner than later...i am just rambling tonight so if you dont like what i am writting this is not for your benefit but mine...i am venting and getting out what is stuck inside my mind...there are some great people here on the roo and some that dont deserve to be called human...as hard as it is right now i will get throough this...there is a song i heard today that is stuck in my head..it is not a new one by no means...it is called A Harbor For My Soul...feeling so beat up and worn out i search for that harbor..i have found solice in a spoecial lady friend...she is there for me no matter what or when...i do forgive those that have lied to me and i dont have time to waste dwelling on your wreong and evil doings..you are who you are and thats fine..i just dont have to sink that low to your level... i am who i am and those that truly know me can never be persuaded by ypour lies and deciet..with that said have a great day all
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:23:16 GMT
03-05-2007, 09:32 AM
as i slow my mind down to allow sleep...i look out across a vast open field...where once stood a home...all that is left is the depression in the ground where it once stood...the old maple tree that once gave many hours of fun...still stands..yet the tire swing is long gone...i rmember there used to be a garden that once provided freas vegetables...now all there that is there is tall grass and wild flowers...it looks so diferent now...i no longer hear the laughter of children at play...but the wind as it rushes past...the sweet smell of meals being cooked i no longer can smell...i left this place many years ago..no knowing if i would ever return...as i got into my teens..it was no longer a place i felt safe...so i ran from it...i struck out onmy own not because i felt i knew everything but becaiuse i needed to feel safe..as i entered into a world unknown to me i had to learn fast what it meant to survive...now returning to this place i once feared..i have allowed myself to face a fear i never thought i could...i guess thats what they mean by growth...nite all
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:23:34 GMT
08-29-2007, 09:16 AM
tonite as i tryed to clear my head of a day of tormoil and stress..i find mysefl waklign..as i wakl it began to rain..thunder and lightnign filled the dark nite sky...i sat down and began to thignk of wat is most important to me...wat is it in my life that i hold most dear...as this question ran thru my head..i relized that i was letign soemthign that meens so little to me control my thots...i haev no control over wat oter peeple say or do..i need to learn that no mater how hard i try..ther will be soem oen that will hear wat they wan to hear no mater how i speak the truth...all my sober and cleen life i haev spoken the truth and tryed to get this siblign to see wat the truth is...she will always find a way to turn the table on me and maek herself coem out smellign liik a rose while i get the responibility of carryign the burden of her lies...durign this tiem i spent out waklkign i coem to relize that no mater how i try i will never be able to get her to unerstand my view...so wiht that said..i willno longr try..for my own serenity i need to cut all ties..as sad as it is i know i will be beter off this way...my siblign will no longer control my thots or how i feel abot myself..i thignk tomorow will be a day that the sun will rise on my face and the wind will be at my bak...the path is logn and no so strait...but i will reach the end of it oen day knowign that i gaev my all...nite evry oen..hugs to you all
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:23:47 GMT
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:24:00 GMT
01-18-2016, 05:39 AM
as i sit in front of my computer tonight...i cant help my mind from travelling back in time..though the time is not very clear and a fog floats in the air to hinder my view...i struggle to see through the mist..suddenly i can make out the shape of a tall tree...under it is a vacant bench made of wrought iron and wooden planks...the fog begins to clear and the moon slowly peeks through the opaque clouds...highlighting their edges...as i again focus on the bench i see the figure of a couple sitting on it...they appear to holding hands...their words are too muffled to make out... the woman stands and begins to walk away leaving the man with his head in his hands sobbing...i begin to approach him to offer some comfort when we both look skyward and see the woman who was sitting with him disappear behind the clouds...being confused and curious i asked the old man what had just happened...he replied that was my wife......every night we would walk to this bench under our favorite tree and just hold hands and talk..today is our anniversary...i come here every year on our anniversary to talk with her..you see she left this world 5 years ago and she comes to hold my hand and talk
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:24:13 GMT
01-19-2016, 06:07 AM
tonight as i try to slow my mind and i close my eyes..the pictures race by as a movie in fast forward until i can focus on what i am being taught...slowly the scene begins to unfold...i can feel the warmth of a spring breeze as it creeps into the meadow...the sight of new grass peeks its head through the freshly thawed ground..there are some small birds searching for their next meal...i smell the familiar scent of the pines gently touching my nostrils...i rise from my sitting position and take a deep breath and slowly exhale...knowing that new life is beginning to form from it's blanket of snow that protected it all winter...i look skyward and see an eagle soaring towards it's nest most likely to feed the young somewhere high in the tree top...the sky is a soft pastel blue with no clouds to obstruct the beauty that is all around me...it is a beautiful day
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:24:26 GMT
01-22-2016, 03:15 AM tonight as i slow my mind from a hectic day..i close my eyes and take a deep breath..the scene opens with the sight of a younger man siting by a fire in a vast meadow surrounded by dense forest and a small lake...as the man looks out onto the lake he sees a lone beaver push a small poplar pole back to it's lodge..the beaver's movement creates a small ripple on the surface of an otherwise mirrored oasis of the vast starry sky above...his gaze turns toward the yellow red and orange flames...he stares intensely into the hot bed of coals...the warm light reflects onto his face..i can see that his expressions are of pondering a question deep inside his soul...what has he done in his life that he has been given the gift of happiness...he feels that he his undeserving of it..knowing who he was when he was years younger..the pain and grief he had caused...his actions he understands were his own and takes full responsibility for them..he sits there and ponders this all night...then as the sun slowly peeks out from its sleeping place he realizes..he already had the answers deep in his soul...the price for his sins were paid in full over 2000 years ago..He may not be the man he wants to be... but thank God he is not the man he was
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Post by roadkill on Jan 19, 2017 16:24:40 GMT
01-24-2016, 05:01 AM
tonight as i close my eyes to slow my thoughts...i begin to focus on a lone oak tree in the middle of an open field..it is wide at the truck and reaches high into the bright blue sky...as i get nearer to it i can hear the soft gentle breeze softly touching the gold red and orange leaves...i can see an abundance of acorns stretched out on the ground beneath it...as if it had been crying...i asked the tree what seems to have made you so sorrowful as i see your tears here on the ground around you...the tree replied..no my sweet friend...those are not my tears..i shed my fruit every fall to feed my friends that can not climb me to get to them...like your brother the bear and your sister the deer..it is my responsibility to be sure that the will strive through the hash winters...and every spring i grow new bigger and better fruit..her sit awhile and just relax...take in the beauty that surrounds you...i sit and look at the vast open field..i feels the warmth of the breeze gently brush across my face...i smell the fresh fragrance of poplars as they sway in the distance..i hear the drumming of the ruffed grouse far in the distance...as look upwards i can see the small fluffy clouds floating ever so slowly across the bright sky...forming into shapes... that my imagination begins to take over...that in itself is a wonder that can not be ignored...so peaceful that i begin to drift off to that place where my mind can rest and the worries of the day vanish
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