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Post by kryten on Feb 24, 2017 19:49:03 GMT
The husband was perusing a detailed sex manual and his wife asked him why.
He replied that he was tired of being in the same old rut.
"But I don't understand," she protested, "I thought we had a very good sex life."
"Well," replied the husband, "let me put it to ya another way."
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Post by kryten on Feb 24, 2017 19:49:50 GMT
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt. The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled.
The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly replies, "And I kin see you ain't one, neither!"
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Post by kryten on Mar 10, 2017 19:54:43 GMT
"Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.
"They've all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.
"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.
"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."
"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling."
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Post by kryten on Mar 14, 2017 20:23:16 GMT
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
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Post by likeaneagle on Mar 22, 2017 8:03:09 GMT
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Post by kryten on Apr 17, 2017 17:53:25 GMT
"Why don't you smile?" the teacher asked young Johnny.
"I didn't have any breakfast," Johnny replied.
"You poor dear," said the teacher, "but to return to our geography lesson... Johnny, where is the Canadian border?"
"In bed with Mama. That's why I didn't have any damn breakfast!"
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Post by kryten on Apr 17, 2017 17:53:50 GMT
A doctor, a lawyer and a golfer were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems." The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health." The golfer says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some golfing. "
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Post by kryten on Apr 17, 2017 17:55:18 GMT
A guy meets Siamese twins in a bar and they wind up back at his apartment.
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He thinks the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.
She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."
So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past his apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."
The other girl says, "Gee... do you think he'll remember us?"
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Post by kryten on Apr 17, 2017 17:56:49 GMT
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman, and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
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Post by kryten on Apr 19, 2017 17:25:19 GMT
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly upset now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so upset that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."
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Post by kryten on May 25, 2017 18:11:50 GMT
A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife about it, who suggested he try the tablets the doctor had given her for a similar pain. After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared, but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear. He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened. The doctor called him everything under the sun, saying, "You idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen uterus! God only knows how I'm going to get your testicles back down where they belong!"
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Post by kryten on May 28, 2017 16:21:02 GMT
A couple took their son Johnny to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the Johnny seemed very intrigued by them.
"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked Johnny.
Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.
While she was gone, the Johnny turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"
"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.
"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" Johnny asked.
Taking a deep breath, Johnny father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"
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Post by kryten on May 28, 2017 16:21:39 GMT
My husband cut himself and was treated in the emergency room. Afterwards, he returned to the waiting room and I asked what kind of follow-up the doctor had prescribed.
With a totally straight face, he read from the printed sheet, "Take it easy, be waited on, and have sex t least twice a day."
At that, another man sitting nearby jumped up and exclaimed, "Whatever he's got, I want it!"
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Post by kryten on May 28, 2017 16:22:33 GMT
Jim and his wife went for a stroll in their local park one evening. They sat down on a bench to rest and almost immediately could overhear voices coming from a secluded spot behind them.
Suddenly the wife realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged Jim and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Jim objected. "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me!"
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Post by kryten on May 31, 2017 17:40:31 GMT
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