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Post by kryten on Dec 19, 2016 19:05:55 GMT
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Post by kryten on Dec 20, 2016 16:46:02 GMT
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa Claus?
A rebel without a Claus
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes
Who tells the best Christmas jokes?
Reindeer...they sleigh every time
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
He had low elf-esteem
What do snowmen like to do on weekends?
Chill out
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Post by kryten on Dec 20, 2016 16:48:04 GMT
What is Santa's favourite pizza?
Answer: One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
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Post by kryten on Dec 20, 2016 16:49:40 GMT
Where does Santa stay when he's on holiday?
In a HO HO HOtel.
What did the Christmas bell say to the other Christmas bell?
Give me a ring sometime.
What do you call a kangaroo wearing a Santa hat?
A Christmas jumper.
What did the policeman say when he caught Frosty the Snowman stealing?
"Hey you... freeze"!
What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Why did the elf take his computer to the hospital?
Because Santa said it had a virus.
Why do you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive?
Because Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...
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Post by kryten on Dec 23, 2016 16:18:04 GMT
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That’s still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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Post by kryten on Dec 23, 2016 16:18:25 GMT
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. There was a romantic full moon, and Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now. Lets just look at the moon", said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I had rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once... play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang...
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
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Post by kryten on Dec 23, 2016 19:22:52 GMT
Three Wise Women (as opposed to Three Wise Men) Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?
The WOMEN would have: - Asked directions, - Arrived on time, - Helped deliver the baby, - Cleaned the stable, - Made a casserole, and - Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)
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Post by kryten on Dec 23, 2016 19:23:34 GMT
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!
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Post by kryten on Dec 24, 2016 14:00:22 GMT
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
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Post by kryten on Dec 24, 2016 14:00:38 GMT
At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down.
Silence ensues for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"
Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
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Post by kryten on Dec 24, 2016 14:01:17 GMT
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
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Post by kryten on Dec 24, 2016 14:01:42 GMT
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That’s still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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Post by kryten on Dec 24, 2016 15:20:28 GMT
Rudolph the well hung reindeer, Had a great enormous cock, All he could ever do with it, was beat it off inside a sock, All of the female reindeer, Had pussies that were just too small, Poor old well hung Rudolph, Could not get any sex at all, Then one horny Christmas eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your cock so strong... Fuck my arsehole all night long..!" Then all the reindeer loved him, A few of them were heard to say, "Rudolph the well hung reindeer... You're so lucky Santa's Gay"
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Post by kryten on Dec 26, 2016 17:53:21 GMT
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
• Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey - he's always stuffed!
• Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas? No you can have turkey like everyone else!
• We had grandma for Christmas dinner? Really, we had turkey!
• How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed? You wake up wet!
• What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail? She’d go to a “re-tail” shop for a new one!
• Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.
• Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem.
• Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes.
• Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
• Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!
• What's the first thing elves learn in school? The "elf"-abet!
• What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play? Santapplause!
• What do you call people who are scared of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!
• What do you call Santa when he has no money? Saint "Nickel"-less!
• What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas? A rebel without a Claus!
• What do you get if you cross Santa with a flying saucer? A UF ho, ho, ho
• What do you get if you cross Santa with a gardener? Someone who likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
• And what goes oh! oh! oh? Father Christmas walking backwards.
• What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!
• What's red & white and red & white and red & white? Santa rolling down a hill!
• Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays? At a Ho-ho-tel
• I'm so strong I could lift a reindeer with one hand. Yeah, but where are we going to find a one-handed reindeer?
• What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers !
• How do snowmen travel around? By iceicle!
• How do snowmen greet each other? Ice to meet you!
• What do you call a snowman in the summer? A puddle
• What's a snowman's favorite Mexican food? Brrrrrr-itos!
• Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman? You have to holow out it's head first
• Q: What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? A: Santa Clues!
• ”I don't care who you are, fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!”
• Sherlock's favorite Christmas song: "I'll be Holmes for Christmas"
• How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
• What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"? A mistle-"toad"!
• What did the grape say to the peanut butter? "'Tis the season to be jelly!"
• Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crummy!
• What kind of money do they use at the North Pole? Cold cash!
• I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year. That's because it's on my charge card statement that long!
• Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!
• CHRISTMESS: Five minutes after the gifts are opened!
• What kind of music do elves like best? "Wrap" music!
• Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars? Elfis!
• How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party? Chick to chick!
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Post by kryten on Dec 28, 2016 15:45:00 GMT
11 PEOPLE ….ON A ROPE Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided one had to let go. Because otherwise, they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping………………….
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