|
Post by kryten on Dec 9, 2016 14:34:27 GMT
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks "What the hell does that mean?" He said "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot". She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" He said "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 9, 2016 14:35:24 GMT
I'm not very happy with the latest Sat Nav I've just bought, the voice is Bonnie Tyler & the build quality is rubbish... it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart... ...........
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 9, 2016 14:35:51 GMT
My missus asked me earlier for £10,000 for a gastric band. I said " Here's a fiver, get a padlock for the fridge.." ........ My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand. " The tattooist said "For christ sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!" ......... I've just bought my wife one of those pitbull terriers as a birthday present. Despite the big jaws, huge teeth, bulging eyes and fat belly, the dog really seems to like her.
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 9, 2016 18:36:30 GMT
]
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 10, 2016 15:24:32 GMT
In New South Wales Australia,a senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car . “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the M1, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..” The old gentleman paused then said, “Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 11, 2016 14:31:03 GMT
A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime, and went over to the machine to insert the coin. Out came a card that said: "You weigh 126 pounds, and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she broke wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read: "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, a really hot guy will show up and show interest in you." After another 30 seconds, a muscular blonde, blue-eyed guy emerged out of a nearby alley and beckoned her to go over to him. Seeing as her love life had been quiet for a while, she obliged. Once she was done being the center of attention, she fumbled through her purse and found another dime. Feeling like Naomi Campbell closing the Versace show at Paris Fashion Week, she shimmied over to the machine and put it in. Again, a little card popped out that said: "You still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 11, 2016 14:31:34 GMT
Donald MacDonald from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people... ...The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop... ...The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" She asked her son. Donald replied enthusiastically:"Mother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 11, 2016 20:08:22 GMT
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his winkie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no rea...ction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring .!!
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 11, 2016 20:09:16 GMT
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.... The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 14, 2016 15:33:59 GMT
Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was. The husband replied: "In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."
The judge turned to the wife: "Have you anything to say?"
She answered: "It's been six weeks, your honor."
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 14, 2016 16:04:13 GMT
A Smugglers' boat was sighted by the Coast Guard. They dumped all their pot overboard, and it washed up on an island populated by sea gulls, terns and other sea birds. In a couple of days all over the island... there wasn't a tern unstoned.
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 17, 2016 14:58:51 GMT
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 17, 2016 15:02:59 GMT
Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house,
Everybody felt shitty even the mouse. With Mom at the whore house,
And dad smoking grass, I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass!
When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter, I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter!
When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the fucker had fell!
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer, And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight, Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night!
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 17, 2016 15:03:30 GMT
He laid her on the table. So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast. And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide...he looked inside. All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms... And then he stuffed the turkey.
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Dec 17, 2016 15:04:50 GMT
Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,....."I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis." Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine?" She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't." He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented...and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy." She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?" He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"
|
|