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Post by kryten on Dec 28, 2016 20:00:03 GMT
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks for?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.” “Oh”, said the man. “Whose clock is that?” “That’s Mother Teresa’s”, replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.” “Incredible”, said the man, “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Donald Trump's and Hillary Clinton's clocks?” asked the man.
St. Peter replied, “We’re using them as ceiling fans.”
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Post by kryten on Jan 5, 2017 16:11:39 GMT
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously Upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer. "What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... If I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna Have to close my shop." "Now John, things could be worse," said Bob. "How do you figure?" asked John. "Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking Her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went And kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from Underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down." "And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.
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Post by kryten on Jan 6, 2017 14:19:58 GMT
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. He asked her what should he do? His mother had an idea, "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."
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Post by kryten on Jan 6, 2017 14:20:38 GMT
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard replies, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Post by kryten on Jan 7, 2017 13:41:51 GMT
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell
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Post by kryten on Jan 8, 2017 15:00:05 GMT
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls, Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want....... sweet n sour pork?
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Post by kryten on Jan 9, 2017 20:01:10 GMT
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartin?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.
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Post by kryten on Jan 13, 2017 14:24:11 GMT
I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says, "No I don't. And why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little shit."
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Post by kryten on Jan 16, 2017 16:34:56 GMT
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed
in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink,
the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous'
topless blonde came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in
their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while,
the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking
toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
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Post by kryten on Jan 20, 2017 12:06:47 GMT
In the glorious days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost in central Africa to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies that protocol decrees, (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc), the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He's my right-hand man, and he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunch-backed, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man, less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the boxing middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of . . . . " Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers; he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."
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Post by kryten on Jan 20, 2017 13:18:47 GMT
A man was driving down the road and noticed a three legged chicken racing along beside his car. When he looked at the speedometer he realized that the chicken was running over 75 miles per hour. The amazed driver followed the chicken for several miles until the chicken turned down a gravel road. The driver followed the chicken to a huge poultry farm. All around the farm there were three legged chickens as far as the eye could see. The driver stopped his car and then seeing the farmer feeding the chickens he asked him about the three legged chickens. "Well you see," started the farmer, "I am a genetic engineer and the leg is my favorite piece of chicken. It is also the favorite piece of my wife and my son. I got tired of having everybody fighting over the leg at dinner so I just developed a chicken with enough legs for us all." "What a great idea!, "said the driver, "How do these three legged chickens taste?" "Well, "said the scientific farmer, "I don't know. I've never been able to catch one!"
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Post by kryten on Jan 21, 2017 15:00:29 GMT
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"I just don't think I can do that to my wife."
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried it so many times and it's never worked
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Post by kryten on Jan 27, 2017 12:29:20 GMT
A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said "honey my hands are cold again." So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "Honey my hands are cold again." She then said," Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"
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Post by kryten on Jan 27, 2017 12:29:58 GMT
Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure, if you screw me." The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass." The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "Screw me now!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, screws her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water. The friend replies, "Screw the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."
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Post by kryten on Jan 27, 2017 12:31:56 GMT
After the hooker gave the leper a blow job, he told her to keep the tip.
A gay masochist is a sucker for punishment.
If you're into bestiality, I recommend deer, because you get the most bang for your buck.
As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never.
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