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Post by kryten on Jan 29, 2017 18:11:48 GMT
Confucius Says
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets tit bit.
2.Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon - one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11.Baseball all wrong - man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
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Post by kryten on Jan 29, 2017 18:12:26 GMT
Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"
He answered, "I hunt unicorns."
The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"
The other answered, "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."
The first hunter said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."
The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"
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Post by kryten on Jan 30, 2017 20:05:46 GMT
Dave had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met Dave in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?" "I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?" "No way!" his bride retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"
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Post by kryten on Jan 30, 2017 20:08:31 GMT
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. 'No,' the inmate said, 'just get it over with.' 'Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?' said the guard. 'You didn't even want a special last meal' The inmate thought. 'Actually,' he said, 'Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.' The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, 'One billion bottles of beer on the wall...'
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Post by kryten on Feb 1, 2017 19:37:36 GMT
The man lay naked on the grass in a secluded part of the park, a dazed but oddly happy expression on his face. "What happened?" asked the cop.
"I was - uh - minding my own business," mumbled the man, "when a gang of teenage girls came along and jumped me and - uh - tore off my clothes. And then... "
"And then what?"
"And then all heaven broke loose!"
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Post by kryten on Feb 3, 2017 18:06:43 GMT
A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."
Her mother says ...... "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman! You live in an 8 bedroom mansion! You drive a $250,000 Ferrari! You get $2,000 a week allowance! You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
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Post by kryten on Feb 3, 2017 18:08:59 GMT
A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?
"Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
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Post by kryten on Feb 3, 2017 18:11:17 GMT
A very flat-chested woman finally decided that she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale lingerie store and asked the sales lady, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another lingerie store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.
After a third unsuccessful try at another store, she became very distraught. She left the mall and drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The clerk looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
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Post by kryten on Feb 4, 2017 15:49:26 GMT
Disorder in the Courts
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Post by kryten on Feb 8, 2017 18:59:35 GMT
A man walked into a drug store with his adolescent son. They happened to pass by the condom display, and the boy asked: "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replied: "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looked over the display and picked up a package of three and asked: "Why are there three in this package?" The dad replied: "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.". "Cool!" said the boy. He noticed a pack of six and asked: "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answered. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. . "Then who uses these?" he asked, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied: "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
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Post by kryten on Feb 16, 2017 19:32:04 GMT
Back in the mid-1800's, Cyrus and Matilda were courting, and Cyrus took Matilda for a buggy ride one sunny Sunday afternoon. After a while, Cyrus began to feel some discomfort, and said, "Matilda, I'm afraid Nature is calling. Would you mind waiting in the buggy while I go into the woods?" She replied, "Of course not, Cyrus. I understand," and with that, he walked into the forest. Cyrus was gone for quite a long time, and after ten minutes or so, Matilda became very concerned. Worried, but respecting his privacy, she sat patiently in the buggy, looking off into the woods to see if he was on his way back. While she gazed into the trees, she saw swirls of dust and leaves and branches being disturbed, and this caused her to be somewhat alarmed, but still she sat, respecting Cyrus' privacy. After nearly half an hour, a pale and shaken Cyrus emerged from the woods and returned to the buggy. "My word, Cyrus," Matilda exclaimed. "Castor oil never did that to me!" "Probably not," Cyrus replied, "but then again, you never had your balls caught in a wolf trap, either."
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Post by kryten on Feb 18, 2017 15:57:48 GMT
Two blokes living in the Australian outback saw a couple of jobs advertised by the Queen of England.
She was looking for footmen, to walk beside her carriage.
They applied and were very happy to be flown to London for an interview with Her Majesty.
She says to them: “Because my footmen must wear long white stockings, I must see your ankles to be sure they are not swollen or misshapen."
After they show her their ankles, the Queen says: “It is also important that you don’t have knobby knees, so I need to see your knees too.”
Once she has seen their knees, she says: “Now everything appears to be in shape, so I just need to see your testimonials.”
Nine years later, when the pair are finally released from prison, one of the blokes says to the other:
”I reckon, if we just had a bit more education we would have got that job!"
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Post by kryten on Feb 18, 2017 15:58:08 GMT
Time in Heaven
God had finished with the basic structure of humanity and was ready to get down to the perks when he called Adam and Eve to sit at his side.
"Okay, kids," he said to them, "you have all the essential stuff. Now who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam leapt to his feet. "Me! Let it be me! Pleeeezz!"
"So Be It," God said.
God then turned to Eve. "Well let me see," he murmured, looking at his master plan. "Sorry Eve, looks like all I have left is multiple orgasms."
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Post by kryten on Feb 19, 2017 15:25:27 GMT
With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"
"It's a woman," replied Peter.
"What else? Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.
"It's your wife," replied Peter.
Brian asked, "MY wife? What about her?"
Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said, "Well, buddy-boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
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Post by kryten on Feb 19, 2017 20:19:06 GMT
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 83-year-old man planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom covering a huge erection. In his hand he carried a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose-plugs. Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The old man replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"
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