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Post by kryten on Aug 23, 2016 16:55:25 GMT
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno "
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Post by kryten on Aug 23, 2016 17:02:16 GMT
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in... Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fridge. "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." The husband simply smiles and remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car" and leaves.
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Post by kryten on Aug 24, 2016 13:17:25 GMT
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!"
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Post by kryten on Aug 25, 2016 17:13:05 GMT
Received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic". "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when..... you last saw me. Plus I don...'t really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. "Anyway," she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to piss off.
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Post by kryten on Aug 26, 2016 9:54:16 GMT
Teacher: why did you laugh.? Boy: I saw a strap of your bra. Teacher: GET OUT. No class for you for a week. Another boy laughs... Teacher: why did you laugh?... Boy: I saw both straps. Teacher: GET OUT. No class for you for a month. She bends down to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out... Teacher: Johnny why are you leaving.? Johnny: with what I just saw I think my school days are over...
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Post by kryten on Aug 26, 2016 9:55:24 GMT
Japanese Hotel Service . . .. A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo , Japan . . . Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.... 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.' Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit........ which now had a button sewn neatly on the end!!..
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Post by kryten on Aug 26, 2016 9:56:00 GMT
A guy goes into a Scottish baker's. "How much is that cake?" "A poond." "And how much is that one?" "A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!" "Oh, OK. What about that one?" "Ach, that one's two poonds." "Oh. Why's that then?" "That's Madeira cake."..
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Post by kryten on Aug 27, 2016 15:40:31 GMT
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
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Post by kryten on Aug 28, 2016 16:28:13 GMT
A woman asks her doctor: "Will you kiss me, doc?" "No, it would be against my code of ethics," replies the doctor, firmly. "Please just one kiss," begs the woman. "Sorry," says the doctor, "it's completely out of the question. Strictly speaking I shouldn't even be fucking you."
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Post by kryten on Aug 29, 2016 13:25:01 GMT
A primary school teacher was teaching english to her class and she asked 'Can anyone think of a 4 letter word that starts with f and ends with k?' Little Jonny sticks his hand up wildly and no one else can think of anything, the teacher sighs because Jonny is a bit of a troublemaker. ... 'Yes Jonny?' 'Fork' 'Oh. Well done Jonny, ok can anyone think of a 4 letter word starting with c and ending with t?' 'Little Jonny sticks his hands up wildly and noone else has put their hand up, teacher sighs again, 'Yes Jonny?' 'Can't' 'Well done Jonny! How about a 5 letter word begginging with d and ending with f?' 'Dwarf Miss!' 'Very good Jonny, now do you know what a dwarf is?' 'Of course, it's a fucking little cunt isn't it?
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Post by kryten on Aug 29, 2016 14:58:16 GMT
As you slide Down the Banister of Life In 2016 -- Remember:
1..Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers do more than Lay
2..Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3..The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4..My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.
5..The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6..I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7..It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8..A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9..My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10.. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
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Post by kryten on Aug 29, 2016 15:00:18 GMT
I'm hosting a charity event for people who can't reach orgasm. If you can't come let me know
=========================================
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction, finish off on her face didn't mean what i thought it did...
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Post by kryten on Aug 29, 2016 15:01:06 GMT
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" ... The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, "Your mom". Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend." A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally). As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "What are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little Johnny answered,... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!..
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Post by kryten on Aug 29, 2016 15:04:24 GMT
A fella, who only has three hairs left on his head, goes to the barber.
Barber " How do you want it ? " Fella " Part it on the left"
The barber combs it but one of the hairs falls out. ..
Barber " Er, how do you want it now ?" Fella "Part it on the right"
The barber combs it and another hair falls out.
Barber "Er, how do you want it ?" Fella " Oh, just leave it all messy"
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Post by kryten on Aug 29, 2016 15:05:05 GMT
I was walking through the city last week when I came across a Muslim Bookstore. I was wondering what sort of titles they had so I went in for a look. As I was wandering around taking a look, the assistant stopped me and asked if he could help. I imagined I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked "Do you have a copy of the Australian Immigration Department's policy on refugees and illegal immigrants?" The assistant said "Fuck off, get out and stay out". I said "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
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