|
Post by kryten on Aug 17, 2016 11:30:00 GMT
Porn film titles that should of been... 'Inspect her Gadget' Porn film titles that should of been...
'Womb raider' 'One blew over the hooker's chest' 'Night of the giving head' 'Ass ventura' 'Hannah mounts Anna' 'Edward dildo hands' 'Reservoir dogging' 'Three willys' 'Cumblob squidgypants' 'Shaving Ryan's privates'
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 17, 2016 11:44:28 GMT
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nice, nurses are known to be hot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are too strict."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was "Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get it right!'"
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 17, 2016 16:52:04 GMT
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother'
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 18, 2016 9:54:41 GMT
A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It's evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit. Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders. The blonde then responds, "How do you give shoulders?"
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 18, 2016 12:46:06 GMT
One day three golfers were playing a round of golf. They were on the ninth hole near the highway getting ready to tee off. One of the golfers had his club in mid swing when he noticed a funeral procession coming up the highway. He lowered his club and took off his hat as he stood there reverently waiting for it to pass.
The other two golfers followed suit and all three stood quietly until the last car was out of sight. The first golfer then made a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. "You know Jack?" One of the other golfers said. "That was really nice the way you waited for that funeral procession to pass."
Well I felt it was the least I could do." Jack responded. "After all she did give me 30 of the best years of her life."
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 18, 2016 12:51:16 GMT
Golf Widow
I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left this note on the refrigerator: "IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! I have gone to stay with my mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold... What the hell is she talking about?
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 18, 2016 14:00:29 GMT
Joining a nudist colony saved our marriage. Once there, we learned to air our differences.
My old girlfriend came over last night. One thing led to another and before long my mouth was back between her thighs doing that thing she loves so much. She doesn't want to get back together, but that's cool. At least I was the first on my block to get an ex-box.
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 19, 2016 9:55:31 GMT
A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!" The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..." "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips." "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don't know ..." "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me." "Well let's go inside and settle this" "No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy. The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please" The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn nun out there again!?!"
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 19, 2016 11:45:11 GMT
A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynardo, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery at the Hospital he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynardo was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 20, 2016 13:55:09 GMT
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills. Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it! Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies! One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 21, 2016 16:40:00 GMT
"A blonde and her girlfriend went to the beach for the day. As they wandered up and down the shoreline in their bikinis the girlfriend began to notice that the blonde seemed to be having some difficulty walking. The girlfriend finally said, "Did you hurt your leg or something? You're walking very strangely." The blonde replied, "I have a big date tonight and I've got curlers in my hair."
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 21, 2016 16:43:31 GMT
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 22, 2016 13:28:44 GMT
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 22, 2016 14:05:56 GMT
A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and watches the auctioning off of bulls for stud. The man selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison... The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: "Sure, but why don't you ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!"
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 22, 2016 17:09:41 GMT
Got a Chinese take out last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle, so I looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me , then disappear back inside. I was so scared I nearly shit myself , I looked again saw the eyes looking at me then disappear again, I ran back into the shop with the bag and I asked the Chinese guy what the hell is going on !? He said "you no worry , it Peking duck"
|
|