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Post by kryten on Aug 30, 2016 15:15:19 GMT
I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son. Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me. After a few minutes, I tired of his antics, so I said, "When I was young, my mother told me that if I made an ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way. " The little shit replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't fucking warned."
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Post by kryten on Aug 30, 2016 15:17:20 GMT
A new company specialising in turning old land mines into prayer mats for muslims has opened in america this week.
The manager said today prophets have gone through the roof
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Post by kryten on Aug 31, 2016 9:30:46 GMT
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, Trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." ... "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, The stomach was bloated, The legs got wobbly, The eyes got watery, And the blood was toxic.. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss . The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... An Arse Hole is usually in charge
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Post by kryten on Sept 1, 2016 18:07:21 GMT
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fucks sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"
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Post by kryten on Sept 2, 2016 9:42:44 GMT
A guys walkin down the street and sees a yard full of naked old women just layin in the grass. So the guy walks up to the door and knocks and says "I'd like to know whats goin on here" Guy replies "There a bunch of retired prostitutes havin a yard sale"
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Post by kryten on Sept 3, 2016 12:09:24 GMT
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but ...please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There's no charge.” “No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says. “Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.
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Post by kryten on Sept 4, 2016 14:57:26 GMT
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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Post by kryten on Sept 5, 2016 14:39:45 GMT
The Mexican maid asks for a raise.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me? Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor huzban did.
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife: really boiling now and through gritted teeth "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."
Wife: "So then, how much did you have in mind?"
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Post by kryten on Sept 5, 2016 15:42:23 GMT
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
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Post by kryten on Sept 7, 2016 15:21:52 GMT
A plumber (The Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing , there is a crowd cheering , and everyone wants to shake his hand. Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
"Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the plumber says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything special. Is it because I'm a plumber ?" "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The plumber is awestruck and says "Saint Peter, but I only lived to be 50."
"That's simply impossible," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets since you have been in business."
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Post by kryten on Sept 8, 2016 13:02:06 GMT
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."
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Post by kryten on Sept 9, 2016 10:04:31 GMT
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”Because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
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Post by kryten on Sept 10, 2016 15:41:15 GMT
THE "TWO-COW EXPLANATION"
A CHRISTIAN: You have two cows. Youkeep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: Youhave two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then takethe tax money and buy a cow and give it to yourneighbor. Youfeel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk.You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man ina foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift fromyour government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
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Post by kryten on Sept 10, 2016 15:42:30 GMT
There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
There were two city gals and one farm gal.
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.
He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.
Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong.
She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.
He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. .Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.
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Post by kryten on Sept 12, 2016 17:57:17 GMT
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
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