bigbri
Junior member
Posts: 142
|
Post by bigbri on Aug 1, 2016 18:33:03 GMT
I put an accumulator bet on 3 horses yesterday, Sunshine, Moonlight and Goodtimes, I didn't win, I blame it on the bookie.
|
|
bigbri
Junior member
Posts: 142
|
Post by bigbri on Aug 1, 2016 18:33:58 GMT
The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Paramedics said he could have done with another coat
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 3, 2016 9:56:58 GMT
My girlfriend said, "Pssst."
I said, "What?"
She said, "Psssssst."
I said, "What?"
She said, "Psssssssssssst."
I said, "What?!"
..Then I realised she was punctured.
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 3, 2016 9:58:06 GMT
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex...
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 3, 2016 11:49:28 GMT
A woman dies. When she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"John Smith," replies the woman.
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 3, 2016 11:50:06 GMT
Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck strongly."
"That's all very well for you," huffed her friend. "But I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 3, 2016 11:52:31 GMT
Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices. He sent his apprentice to the store to buy more. Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.
|
|
bigbri
Junior member
Posts: 142
|
Post by bigbri on Aug 3, 2016 14:11:57 GMT
Sad to hear of the passing of the guy who invented the snooze button. His funeral will take place tomorrow morning at 9:00, 9:08, 9:16 & 9:24
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 5, 2016 10:52:50 GMT
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man. I asked him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had a roof over my head, a cook, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had T V, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library and even school if I wanted.” I asked him, "What happened? Was it Drugs … alcohol … divorce?” "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. “No … no ... I got out of prison."
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 5, 2016 10:54:30 GMT
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then make a billion dollars, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel around Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson...
"And how about you, Sarah? What do you want to be?"
"I wanna be Kevin's whore."
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 5, 2016 10:57:37 GMT
The Deaf Wife Problem
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens. 'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'For Fecks Sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 13, 2016 17:30:11 GMT
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 13, 2016 17:51:22 GMT
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men to be Rough, Tough &Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a bikers black leathers. He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her "Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I Tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a handjob.
|
|
|
Post by kryten on Aug 14, 2016 15:52:08 GMT
Mike and Joe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets. One day Mike calls Joe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars." Joe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you..." Mike interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard... a thousand dollars... YES OR NO?" Joe says, "OK, OK! I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?" Mike answers, "Eleven years."
|
|