bigbri
Junior member
Posts: 142
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Post by bigbri on Nov 30, 2016 14:51:53 GMT
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Post by kryten on Nov 30, 2016 17:52:17 GMT
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!' 'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?' 'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!' Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
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Post by kryten on Dec 1, 2016 15:47:08 GMT
A Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again was undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
“No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see ?"
“Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”
“Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough.” “I know," he said, "but the Darts Team hadn't!”
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Post by kryten on Dec 4, 2016 18:19:15 GMT
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Post by kryten on Dec 28, 2016 15:46:26 GMT
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £15.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot
of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.
I'll put on me best English accent." "Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick. They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £15.00 each,
100 shirts at £3..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each. And oy'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a drycleaners!"
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Post by kryten on Feb 3, 2017 18:10:24 GMT
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night. She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside Me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.
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Post by kryten on Feb 11, 2017 19:32:42 GMT
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Post by kryten on Mar 30, 2017 17:37:25 GMT
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, hisface is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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Post by kryten on Apr 5, 2017 18:34:10 GMT
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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Post by kryten on Apr 6, 2017 19:06:07 GMT
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "tis no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"
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