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Post by kryten on Jul 31, 2016 14:40:58 GMT
I was in Walmart yesterday, this thick bitch was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change. "£1.03 please" ... "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face. "I'vegot nothing, if that helps," I replied... she didn't get it so I thought feck it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I asked. "Don't do me no favours," she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."
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Post by kryten on Jul 31, 2016 14:45:15 GMT
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo.”
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Post by kryten on Jul 31, 2016 14:51:47 GMT
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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Post by kryten on Aug 5, 2016 18:18:02 GMT
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump......... __________________
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Post by kryten on Aug 8, 2016 17:30:14 GMT
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started... ===========
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Post by kryten on Aug 9, 2016 17:17:39 GMT
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him: "You're a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!" She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!" "Fine!" sobbed the angry wife, "but they will be your LAST words to me!" "Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening. Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colors don't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, "Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?"
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Post by kryten on Aug 10, 2016 11:34:24 GMT
A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours the champagne down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down her skirt back. Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?" "Well," the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I'm sharing it with."
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Post by kryten on Aug 10, 2016 11:35:36 GMT
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth."
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Post by kryten on Aug 10, 2016 11:40:21 GMT
I went to a movie the other night and as I usually do, sat in an aisle seat cuz it feels a bit roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a voluptuous blonde babe in a tight, tight skirt, got up from the center of the row and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"? "No!!" she responded in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine's out in my car."
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Post by kryten on Aug 11, 2016 14:26:01 GMT
Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood... The pig and the cow.
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Post by kryten on Aug 11, 2016 14:26:32 GMT
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?' 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.’
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Post by kryten on Aug 11, 2016 14:27:17 GMT
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Dustin Johnson drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote town.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"How's she cuttin' bye" (boy) says the attendant.
Dustin nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Dustin.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Dustin.
"Bye Jayses", says the Newfoundlander, "FORD tinks of everyting don't he !"
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Post by kryten on Aug 12, 2016 9:28:04 GMT
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said "Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."
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Post by kryten on Aug 12, 2016 11:53:03 GMT
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.Little Johnny said,
"Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though.
"The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house.
"You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough.""Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."The preacher was aghast.
"I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
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Post by kryten on Aug 12, 2016 11:55:04 GMT
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
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