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Post by kryten on Aug 1, 2016 14:17:47 GMT
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.. Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.. 'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Saints be te Jesus' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?' 'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.' 'You haff a feckin Genie?' Mick asked. 'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy. 'Could I see him?' Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere. I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?' 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.. Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks' Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
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Post by kryten on Aug 27, 2016 18:14:15 GMT
Two good old boys, Mick and Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals. Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in." "But we are only privates," protests Paddy. "We're Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink." ... "But we're privates," says Paddy. "You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!" So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea." Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big thumbs up. Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?" "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now."
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Post by kryten on Aug 28, 2016 16:38:22 GMT
Paddy,s wife is involved in a bad car crash. In the hospital she is just talking gobbledy gook . The worried doctor asks paddy is she fully compus mentus. "No, says paddy,is she fuck! Just third party fire and theft".
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Post by kryten on Aug 29, 2016 14:44:43 GMT
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
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Post by kryten on Sept 1, 2016 10:14:30 GMT
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Post by kryten on Sept 4, 2016 14:45:44 GMT
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Post by kryten on Sept 9, 2016 17:32:48 GMT
Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
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Post by kryten on Sept 10, 2016 13:49:05 GMT
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Post by kryten on Sept 11, 2016 17:38:18 GMT
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Post by kryten on Sept 21, 2016 17:28:35 GMT
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Post by kryten on Oct 3, 2016 17:48:16 GMT
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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Post by kryten on Oct 22, 2016 14:25:25 GMT
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Post by kryten on Nov 7, 2016 19:43:54 GMT
Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?" "Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss. Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?" Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"
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Post by kryten on Nov 21, 2016 18:15:51 GMT
A truly touching story from Ireland…… Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says, “I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend.” The florist says, „Certainly Sir, what is it you’re after.”
"Sex" Paddy replies
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bigbri
Junior member
Posts: 142
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Post by bigbri on Nov 30, 2016 14:49:35 GMT
After a severe earthquake in Dublin, Ireland. Rescuers were searching the rubble of a collapsed city centre hotel, when they heard a faint Irish voice shout "Help! Fecking help me!" The rescuers shouted "Where are you?" Paddy shouts "I'm in room 236."
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