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Post by stevent222 on Dec 27, 2015 22:36:26 GMT
A Harley Biker is riding by a Zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the African lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter who has watched the whole event asks him, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life. I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, ‘I'm from the Army’ and have no political affiliation...
The journalist leaves And The following morning the newspaper reads, on the front page:
"Army officer ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”
... and THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news about the Army these days......
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Post by stevent222 on Dec 27, 2015 22:39:32 GMT
GOLF - Left Handed or Right Handed?
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One
man transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
At the same time, a woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys
talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's
golf team and was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man
says "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.". He figures the early tee-time
will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15
minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp,
and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun
and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and
invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at
6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she
plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats
them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to
beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This
week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The
men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play,
they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of
beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do
you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I
learned I was ambidextrous," she replies "I like to switch back and
forth."
She continued.
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always
sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right
before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off
him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed. If it
points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre
information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight
up?"
She replies, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
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Post by stevent222 on Dec 27, 2015 22:45:31 GMT
It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ (My Favorite) ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ (Another favorite) ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death… ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
And last: (Well OK, this is the best) ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No… ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Post by stevent222 on Dec 27, 2015 22:47:48 GMT
Subject: Draft Guys Over 60 Into The Military
Drafting Guys Over 60 New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my G-d!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.
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